Hear what Sydney Arnold has to say about the Alive Teen Retreat for grieving high school students. Sydney was part of the 2011 Alive Teen Retreat. This year’s retreat is coming up Sept. 21-23 in Rutherford County. Sign up by Sept. 12!

Sunflowers were Helen’s favorite.

“They’re so happy,” she said. “They’re really a happy flower.”

Ms. Helen D. Jones grew sunflowers at her home in Rutherford County. On a summer’s day she could sit in her sunroom, look out at her garden and enjoy what she created.

Helen spent a lot of time there in her sunroom, a screened-in back porch where she could read and listen to the birds sing their song. She liked to sleep there, too, with crickets lulling her to sleep and a breeze blowing ever so gently.

As a gardener, Helen was well-acquainted with the cycle of life. Flowers grow and bloom for a time. And, with the change of seasons, they fade.

No one is ever really prepared to hear the news that an illness is terminal, but Helen knew even before the doctor told her. She knew time was short, and she was determined to enjoy the months she had left on this earth.

Helen turned to Alive Hospice during that change of seasons, what she called her “time of transition.”

When a person’s life-expectancy is likely six months or less, hospice caregivers work to provide the best quality of life possible. It’s comfort care, and it takes many forms: not only alleviating pain and other unpleasant symptoms, but also offering emotional and spiritual support for patients and their families.

The Alive Hospice team includes a physician, nurses, hospice aides (CNTs), social workers, chaplains and volunteers. Alive Hospice has several home-care teams that provide care for patients in 12 Middle Tennessee counties.

Caregivers with Alive Hospice’s Murfreesboro Team visited Helen in her home, where she was surrounded by the people and things she loved: her children, grandchildren, books, her sunflowers and her dog, Ginger. That was important to Helen – and to Ginger, who didn’t leave her side.

Hospice is a word that many people don’t like to hear, but Helen’s experience showed her that it was something to be embraced – not feared.

“They’re giving me the comfort to know I’m not alone,” Helen said of her Alive Hospice caregivers. “I have people who really care about me. That’s very important when you’re dying.”

It’s what we all deserve during that last season of life, and it’s what we all can have. What Helen had.

For more information about hospice care, call 615-327-1085 or visit www.alivehospice.org.

Ruth Williams

Dealing with the material objects that decorate our lives is a huge challenge, under ordinary circumstances. Often we seem to be either in an “acquiring” mode or a “cleansing/clearing” mode. But there always is “stuff” in our lives to deal with, isn’t there? Add the extra weight of the loss of a loved one to it and figuring out what to do with “stuff” can seem insurmountable.

“Stuff” matters. But it matters differently to each one of us. To some, big things have meaning. To others, little things have meaning. The most valuable reminder of a loved one may be a letter or a handkerchief.

I’ve been going through the few boxes of items left to me by my own mother, who died three years ago. I didn’t even remember some of the things I brought home when we four “kids” sat with Mother as she so kindly began her gradual process of “downsizing.” So, it’s like unwrapping lots of unexpected gifts.

Mother always loved earrings. There’s a colorful pair that I remember her wearing a lot. That’s now tucked away in my jewelry box in its own special place. Another treasure is an invitation to my parents’ wedding. That’s especially meaningful for me, because I was born on their wedding anniversary six years later.

For spouses, one of the most difficult things can often be letting go of the clothing in the closet. Some have shared that they simply couldn’t even look at the clothes till several months had passed. Then, little by little, they would let this piece then that piece go to family members, then eventually to a thrift store.

Others are anxious to clear out clothing, boxing it up, perhaps moving it to a different room right away, symbolically taking a step toward letting go of one more physical reminder of the loved one that is no longer present. There may be a shirt that still retains the scent of their beloved. I know that many have shared that they will wrap themselves in a garment, imagining one more embrace.

We’re all different. And we all have varying degrees of connection to “stuff.” There is no magic timeframe or steps to sorting and clearing away of precious possessions. Many possessions may have been precious to your loved one but not to you. That’s okay, too!

So, as you face this task yourself or if you’re an observer of a friend or family member trying to figure out what to do with it all, please withhold any judgment (of yourself or anyone else). The choices we make after a loss may not make any sense at the time. Take a deep breath. Don’t hesitate to ask for some help. And if you are a friend or a family member, feel free to offer to help, but also accept an “I’m not ready yet” as a sincere response.

It’s something folks cannot and need not be pushed into doing before they are ready. Sometimes there are life circumstances that force choices: the sale of a home to resolve debt, a move to another location for safety reasons, etc. It’s all a process. And a very difficult one. Such decisions may involve “just stuff,” but it’s their stuff.

And figuring out when and what to let go of is all a part of the grieving process.

Ruth Williams is a counselor with Alive Grief Support Services, the bereavement support program of Alive Hospice. To reach Alive Grief Support Services, call 615-963-4732 or click here.