Ruth Williams

As a grief counselor, I have the honor of being with folks as they share their stories of loss. I meet them wherever they are on their own unique journey of grieving, doing my best to help them through it. At times I may offer a sense of hope, and at other times I simply offer my presence as a supportive person witnessing their inevitable pain.

Every person is of course unique; however, one common thread is the significance of certain days. Our clients often anticipate each new holiday, birthday, wedding anniversary, etc. with dread. Sometimes it’s experienced as a bump in the road. Other times it literally feels as if it’s Mt. Everest.

Something that helps – particularly if you are anticipating it with foreboding – is to plan something special for that day. Some may choose to visit the cemetery or be with other loved ones. Some may want to be alone with their thoughts and memories. Often planning an activity, consciously doing something, helps get you through the day. And, the next day will come.

It will.

I have had folks report surprising changes in themselves following a day of significance. One person said she wasn’t expecting anything special as she approached the day marking a year following the death of a loved one. She thought it would probably be just like any other day; and yet, she awoke the next day feeling as if a cloud had been lifted. She was as surprised as those around her. Another person was expecting a big change once the new year had begun; and yet, nothing at all changed as the calendar turned a new year.

Just knowing that dates and special days can be significant may help get you through them, with the help of others, as needed. They may feel magical or mystical; but, just as much as a miracle turnaround could happen, the day may also pass barely noticed. Your grief is your own and no one else’s.

The topic of special days is on my mind currently because this month marks one year since my own mother died. My mother’s release from the world was a gift. She was 87 and so ready for that next step in her journey. However, I am very conscious of the fact that she has been gone for a year now. And, although she was not present in mind for many years, she was still a physical presence.

In her honor, my two sisters will visit her gravesite, which is shared with our father as well (in another state). And I’ll be with other grief counselors and perhaps lift a glass of iced tea in her honor. A special day of remembrance. How will I feel? I’m not sure. I do know I have friends and colleagues just a phone call away if I need them – and that’s a comfort, for sure.

Ruth Williams is a counselor with Alive Grief Support Services, the bereavement support program of Alive Hospice.