Ruth Williams

One of the things you’ll hear us grief counselors say often is that each person is unique. Each experience of grief is unique. Consequently, one of the supreme challenges in anyone’s journey of grieving comes when there is a shared event like a holiday. We’ve just made it through another one, Thanksgiving.

How (or “if”) we celebrate the last Thursday in November with family is probably dependent on lots of things. “Tradition” may be at the top of the list. This year, particularly if a loved one is absent, it may have been cause for a change in the tradition.

In my family of origin, we created our own unique tradition beginning in 1966, when we moved to the only house we managed to purchase (we’d been renters till then). We moved in during the Thanksgiving weekend. Even though my mother was an excellent cook, there was no way we could swing a turkey dinner! After all, we weren’t even sure which boxes held the dishes, much less the pots and pans!

So, being the naturally creative folks we were, we decided we’d have hot dogs and cook them in the fireplace. It was great. A new “alternative” Thanksgiving tradition was born. Every year, as we counted one more year in our very own home, we’d manage to have a hot dog meal sometime during the Thanksgiving weekend. These last few years, with our mother in a nursing home out of state, my younger sister usually tried to keep up the tradition and eat a hot dog with mother…or at least in her/our honor.

This year was the first year Mother wasn’t available for a hot dog. And for some of us, the tradition had begun to fade into the background. This year, however, I did take a moment to pause and remember fondly the tradition of some 40+ years and smile, in gratitude, for the many years we had her in our lives.

As more holidays approach this month, consider the possibility of “birthing” a new tradition in honor of your loved one or “tweaking” an old tradition that may be due for a change. Regardless of the tradition, the gift is in the honoring and remembering itself.

Ruth Williams is a counselor with Alive Grief Support Services, the bereavement support program of Alive Hospice.