Ruth Williams

I may be a grief counselor with Alive Hospice, but like everyone, knowing what to say when a friend loses a loved one is not always easy.

I recently lost my mother. I inwardly smiled when I heard some of the typical comments, like: “Well, it must have been her time.” “She had a good long life.” And, “At least she’s not suffering any longer.” I smiled because, as grief counselors, we often talk about those clichés as being difficult to hear at times. Fortunately, I was able to smile quietly and accept these comments as well-intentioned.

When you lose someone you love dearly, often there truly are no words to heal the hurt or even soften the pain that is very real, regardless of the relationship, the age, or the circumstances of the death. If you are with someone and fumble with what to say, sometimes a hug or a squeeze of a hand is as helpful as anything. I am also surprised by how touched I was by the cards that I received. I got more cards than I ever got for birthdays or even Christmas! And, sometimes, the card companies have beautiful expressions that put into words what our hearts are trying to say. To me, just seeing who signed the card was meaningful.

Listening when the grieving person wants to share may be invaluable. Being supportive in whatever way is authentic in your relationship may also be helpful, whether in an emotional way or more concrete way (i.e., helping with meals, transportation, errands, etc.). And try, if you can, to avoid some of the expressions that are so tempting like, “You’ll get over it, it just takes time.” However well-intended, those comments are often received as attempts to minimize or deny the pain that is very real and very present.

So, sometimes, just being present with the grieving person may speak more clearly and sincerely than words.

Ruth Williams is a counselor with Alive Grief Support Services, the bereavement support program of Alive Hospice.